Yahor and his partner survived three relocations and a war, and when the external shit became less — they started digging into their relationship. Dzmitry withdrew into himself and his wife presented him with the fact of divorce. Alina stayed in the marriage because of guilt, and then moved to another apartment straight from a party. A Hrodna.life journalist recorded the story of breakups and divorces in emigration.
It is easier to survive the difficulties of emigration in a family. But when they are behind, people suddenly realize that nothing connected them except problems. How do political emigrants solve the problem of the stamp in their passport?
Story #1. How Yahor and Alisa overcame «external shit,» but couldn’t stay together
Yahor is a 33-year-old musician, plays on the street and feels like a fish in water, living in other people’s rooms. Three years ago, he met Alisa (name changed). They started dating on the same day. The guy explains it simply — «well, love, everything became clear immediately.» Politics quickly interfered in the couple’s relationship — after a month and a half, the girl had to emigrate due to potential persecution. Alisa left for Ukraine. Yahor, without hesitation, left to be with her.
Emigration from Belarus intensified after the 2020 presidential elections and the political crisis that followed. Deputy Minister of Internal Affairs of Belarus Mikalai Karpiankou estimated the «dissenting» who left at 350,000 people. PACE estimated the number of Belarusians who left due to repression at 500,000 people. The figures do not include «economic» emigrants.
Popular destinations for emigration were initially Poland, Lithuania, Ukraine, and Georgia. After the start of the war in 2022, many emigrants in Ukraine had to move or experience a second emigration to a European country. The reason was not only fear, but also discrimination against Belarusians: as representatives of the aggressor country, they had difficulties with legalization.
The couple planned a vacation in Georgia. At the same time, they decided to get married. It was easiest to do it in this country. They simply submitted the documents and went to drink beer until they were called to conclude the marriage. After that, they and their friends and witnesses, a company of five or six people, went on to drink beer and wine and eat kebab.
«It's a purely technical moment. It’s better to be married because it’s easier to solve all sorts of issues with documents. Well, in general, it was interesting to try what a wedding is,» Yahor explains. This is his first marriage, for Alisa — not. By the time of the marriage, the couple had «grown into something whole,» so the wedding simply allowed them to spend a «very cool happy day.» And later — to regret it during quarrels.
Parting became a relief
After that, they experienced «a lot of shit» together: the first emigration to Ukraine, the beginning of the war, moving to another city, moving to Poland. Yahor and Alisa supported each other. But the first questions arose. They argued about which city to move to: Lviv or Warsaw. Yahor didn’t want to sit in one place, and Alisa wanted to have a «stable piece of something.»
Six months later, in Warsaw, the understanding ended. Mutual accusations of all the problems began. «The person does not correspond to what one would like from him… and we simply looked at each other with very disappointed eyes. There was less external shit and we started digging into each other. We realized that we look at everything very differently and do not understand each other,» Yahor recalls.
For another six months, Yahor and Alisa tried to be more attentive to each other, to listen, to do what the other would ask. But a week after the improvements, they again slipped into aggression. This «long difficult period» was resolved only by the fact that the couple decided to break up. Even this decision became a relief for him, Yahor admits.
For another month, they lived in an apartment in Warsaw as neighbors — in different rooms. «The toughest thing was the last two weeks, when we had already separated. She had her own personal life. And when she was at home, it was shitty, and when she wasn’t, I wondered where she was?»
Divided debts and cats
When parting, there was nothing to share except debts. In everyday life, «both lost.» Yahor chose «ascetic conditions.» The guy has not yet signed a single lease agreement, he lives under a contract with friends while they are away. «Zero stability, I can be kicked out at any moment,» Yahor said. He is comfortable with this.
Alisa «pays a lot of money» for renting an apartment. Therefore, Yahor left her their two cats. Both left the previous apartment. Alisa didn’t want to stay there. Yahor realized that he couldn’t handle it financially. When Alisa took her things, the apartment stopped looking like their home. «Just, fucking, white walls,» Yahor describes it.
Yahor came to his senses two months after the move. He immediately threw himself into work so that «he would have less time to sit and think about how shitty everything is.» «But I fixed things,» the guy laughs. Friends helped — a new company immediately appeared. He had to cross paths with his ex and her «new man» at one event. Yahor just left. This is the first breakup in which he did not try to get everything back. He believes that this is good — in his experience, such things led to the same rake.
Rings in a box and «fucking good» relationships
The couple does not plan to divorce: «Firstly, you have to go to Georgia. I don’t want to, and in general, it’s unclear now what’s there, how. In general, I have nothing against the fact that she is my wife. It doesn’t oblige you to anything.» The couple agreed to divorce if someone «really needs it.»
In a new «semblance of a relationship,» Yahor said that he was married, but separated from his wife. The guy took off his engagement ring after moving and put it in a box with coins. In a new relationship, Yahor tries to talk.
Now Yahor describes his relationship with Alisa as «fucking good.» They see each other once every week or two on household issues — borrow money, return money, resolve an issue with documents. Sometimes they drink beer. When the couple’s cat had problems, they collected money on Yahor’s bank card. «At the moment when we got away from each other and started living our own lives, we realized that we treat each other absolutely normally, we just can’t be so close anymore.»
Story #2. Dmitry withdrew into himself after moving — and lost his partner
Dmitry and his girlfriend Karina (name changed) lived together in Belarus for six years, «as if already married.» Marriage wasn’t a matter of principle for the couple. Together they went from being poor students to having a joint budget of $ 3,000, when they rented an apartment in the center of Minsk and went to the store without looking at the prices.
«Marriage is just a piece of paper»
Dmitry is a 33-year-old SEO specialist and likes to play the guitar. In 2022, the war began. The American company where Dmitry worked fired him. However, they gave him four salaries as severance pay.
His girlfriend’s company relocated to Gdansk, Poland. She was given an ultimatum: move or be fired. «And we somehow schemed like this: 'Well, let’s go.' I still have money, she has a job.\ In one day they made the decision to move. The next day — about marriage. «We got scared and thought it would be easier to move if we were officially married. For me, it’s just a piece of paper, an inscription in my passport. What I felt myself was more important.»
After the start of the Russian-Ukrainian war in 2022, Western IT companies stopped cooperating with Belarusian and Russian firms. Owners began to move their businesses with entire teams. Often the choice was between relocation and dismissal. However, they offered financial and mentoring assistance for relocation.
Within a week, the couple received visas through the Polish Business Harbour program. The next week, they got married. «Everyone was stressed then because of the war, because of the changes. We didn’t really celebrate. We met with friends, sat somewhere, laughed — that was the whole celebration. We don’t have the old beliefs that a wedding should be magnificent.» They didn’t buy rings either.
«You've just been rolled back»
The girl’s company helped with finding and paying for an apartment. In five months, Dmitry changed two jobs and became an e-commerce support specialist. But the move hit the couple financially and emotionally: «It's like you’ve come to something, and then you’ve just been rolled back. And everyone speaks a different language. It’s uncomfortable not only to achieve something, but just to go to the store.»
Dmitry withdrew into himself and more often chose to stay at home. Moreover, during his «rather turbulent youth and student years,» he had «seen enough of everything.» His wife was six years younger — she had a «craving for something new.» In the company, there were her «living, real» friends who also relocated. New hobbies appeared. She learned Polish to integrate into Polish life. «And I was on the vibe of 'f**k new beginnings,'» says Dmitry.
According to statistics, 80% of couples who come to another country get divorced, according to the psychological portal b17.ru. This is 1.5−2 times more than in their homeland. It is believed that women adapt faster in a new place.
«That's it, we’re getting divorced»
This is how understanding began to be lost, Dmitry reflects in hindsight. The first year they got used to it together. In the second year, routine began. He was satisfied with everything. «I had no complaints about our marriage, about her as a partner. I chose her when we were still living in Minsk. That’s it, this question is closed for me. And something was brewing inside her, plus she went to a psychologist. Everything started to change in her, desires appeared that, as she decided, she would not realize with me. And I was simply told as a fact that that’s it, we’re getting divorced,» Dmitry said.
He was shocked. He offered to go to a family psychologist, to move, to reconsider. But he heard: «No, I don’t want to anymore.»
Dmitry told the news to his friends. They started throwing out options: move back to Belarus and lose his job, stay in expensive Gdansk alone, move to cheaper Bialystok, where several friends live. The guy chose the third option. Within a week, he resolved the issue of transferring his sole proprietorship, obtaining a residence permit in another city, and moved. «Yes, of course, alone you have to think more about everything. About bills that you could share, the same cleaning. It would be exactly the same if we lived together and moved to different apartments,» the guy said.
€ 200 and documents
The couple did not acquire any joint property because they lived in a rented apartment. The cat stayed with its «mother.» The only point of contact remained the possibility of accidentally seeing a photo online.
It remained to officially dissolve the marriage. The girl promised to take care of it herself. Six months later, she wrote to Dmitry and said that she had learned how to do it through the consulate. The couple needs to pay a fee of € 200, prepare documents, translate and certify the marriage certificate.
— I will just know that now nothing, not even on paper, connects me with this person. It will be finally crossed out.
— Would you have divorced if you had stayed in your homeland?
— I don’t think so. There is a possibility, of course. I think there would be less stress that I felt, that she felt. And as a result, it influenced some decisions.
Story #3. Alina got married so her partner could get a visa — and stayed in the relationship out of guilt
Before emigrating, Alina (name changed) had been in a relationship with her boyfriend for three years. The girl, who is not yet 25, was comfortable with the status of «boyfriend-girlfriend» without «adult obligations.» Before emigration, they did not live together, although Alina could stay at his house for a week. «I had romantic feelings for the person, but in the near future, I did not consider the option of becoming his wife, having children,» Alina explains.
Passport and two Georgian witnesses
When she had to emigrate, her boyfriend decided to go with her. So in 2023, the couple ended up in Georgia. Alina could get a Polish humanitarian visa because she was «on duty.»
Belarusians often flew to Georgia because they didn’t need a visa. And from there, they looked for ways to leave for Europe.
The boyfriend could return to Belarus and get a work visa. Or, as human rights activists suggested, marry Alina and get a visa as a family member. The couple learned about the marriage procedure: it’s free, done in one day, you only need a passport and two Georgian witnesses. «But Georgians are sociable, so we easily found witnesses, and actually got married in one day. Accordingly, our marriage, in essence, was forced, as was the emigration. It was unclear whether it was worth taking this step, what if we wouldn’t be given a visa as a result?»
They didn’t tell their parents about the marriage
The couple didn’t have much money. That day, they wore the nicest things they had with them from Belarus. Alina — a dress and sneakers. Her companion — light jeans and a shirt. And then — they went to a Georgian cafe, took khinkali and wine, met with witnesses who treated them to wine and shish kebabs from their own barbecue. «Maybe they were flattering us, but they said that they liked this kind of wedding much more than supposedly artificial ones, in which a lot of money is invested.» They didn’t tell their parents about it right away — they were afraid that it would be called an «infantile act.»
Tension and stress were building up
It’s difficult for Alina to distinguish where the relationship was influenced by the status and where by emigration itself. Living together became a test. The first few months were scary and confusing for both of them. Tension and stress were building up: «Each of us experienced it differently. I either withdraw into myself, or I can have emotional outbursts, perhaps not very pleasant for other people. I may not be very careful in my expressions, especially with people I’m close to. I get angry, and I splash it out on the other person, I can say something prickly to make myself feel better. My partner is more likely to have infantile behavior, which can also be difficult for other people.»
«General tension and dissatisfaction with the situation sooner or later result in quarrels and clarification of the relationship,» explains psychologist Tatyana Prokopchuk about similar situations. Another expert, Anastasia Zykova, also names the lack of other significant relationships as the cause of conflicts — the inability to visit friends and parents.
Tatyana advises spouses to talk, not to accumulate emotions and petty grievances, but to communicate them adequately. And if everything is really bad, contact a specialist.
I felt guilty towards my husband
Back in Georgia, the couple realized that they were running out of money. Alina started looking for a job, her partner didn’t. The girl had all the documents. If something was wrong, she was to blame — because she was doing it. Alina attributed everything to emigration, and hoped that everything would work out later.
The first time in Poland was also alarming. «You don’t even have time to analyze what is happening in your relationship at all, but you hold on to the person because you are scared, scared to be left alone. Especially since you started this path together, and it seems wrong to just break up now,» Alina said. She also felt guilty towards her husband. «It seemed to me that this person dared to take such a step for me, not everyone would do that.»
In a year and a half, the couple went from quarreling once a week to every other day. The partner demanded Alina’s attention. When traveling to other cities and countries, she began to block him so that he would not call several times a day and would not splash out the accumulated negativity. The husband with a working specialty began to devalue her intellectual work. «He started saying, let’s go to the factory together, which was honest. And I was like: well, holy sh*t! In my understanding, if a person loves you, he will never in his life tell you to give up what you love so that he is comfortable.»
He promised to take the gifts
Alina’s grandfather is Jewish, and her husband began to insult her because of her nationality. «It's strange, considering that the person positions himself as an anti-fascist.» He manipulated the fact that he would return to Belarus, and that he was in danger there because Alina cooperates with «extremist» media.
The girl began to spend a lot of time outside the house and thought about leaving. The couple discussed this. The husband promised to take all the toys he gave and the dishes when he moved out. He tried to leave several times, but returned to the apartment three days later. Alina realized that she had to leave, although she was the one who found and chose this apartment.
She left — and didn’t come back
She left one day. She went to a bar alone, met friends and felt very light. «There were no constant unpleasant phrases. There was no need to adapt to him.» Friends themselves asked how things were going with the couple. They honestly said that everything looked bad and offered their help — to live in their apartment in a separate room. Alina went there straight from the party. In the morning, she realized that she did not want to go home. A couple of days later, she went to get her things and made sure that she had made the right choice. «He said that he would not let me out of the apartment until I talked to his mother. For me, this is f**ked up. I realized that no, I can’t.» Apart from the apartment, there was nothing to share. The husband moved out of there a month and a half later — he couldn’t afford it financially.
«Flying together is a f**king disaster»
Alina regrets the shared memories. The first month she drank alcohol every weekend, which is unusual for her, and on «outings» she thought about returning. In the third month, she realized that she wanted a divorce. The environment supported her in her decision. «Although my mother tried to put pressure on me somehow and say that, well, it’s hard for him too, maybe he should go to therapy, then everything will become easier for you. I will only be glad, but let this process go on without me.»
Now Alina lives in a cheap room and saves money for a safety cushion or moving to a bigger city. She started spending less on food — she cooks with her neighbors. To feel in control of her life, she found a good stylist and dyed her hair purple, as she did in Belarus.
In a fit of quarrels, the spouses tore up the marriage certificate. Alina is figuring out how to get a divorce now. «Well, because this status oppresses me. We hardly communicate. I ask him not to write to me, because I feel emotionally drained after talking to him.» She even went to get her things on the weekend so that the emotional breakdown would not affect her work.
The girl hopes that she will not have to go to Georgia, and that she will be able to get a divorce in Poland. She is ready to spend time and money on this. «Flying to Georgia together will be a f**king disaster.»
Alina receives compliments at parties, messages from old acquaintances. So far, she is tired of relationships. In the case of a «fling» for a couple of weeks, she won’t even say that she is married according to the documents. In case of deep mutual interest, she will say: «Imagine, according to Georgian law, I am a married woman.»
In addition to heart problems — legal ones
Getting divorced abroad is indeed more difficult than at home. If one of the couple can return to Belarus, there is an option to file for divorce in the country. A lawyer or other representative can act for the other in court. There are cases when families where both husband and wife were political emigrants divorced through a representative in a Belarusian court.
If both in the couple agree, they can be divorced at the Belarusian consulate. But Belarusians under international protection, which is given due to political persecution, are not advised to do this — there is a risk that the documents will not be returned. Those who permanently live abroad can apply to a local court. The claim must specify with whom the children and property remain and who pays alimony.